Texas Pornhub Hostage Crisis: Day 21
Tragedy in Texas, the story corporate media refuses to cover.
My position has always been that there’s two types of people opposed to pornography: those who don’t know what they’re talking about, and those who don’t know what they’re missing.
(Larry Flynt)
For Texans, March 14, 2024 was the day the porn died. Texas state law HB1181 made it illegal to provide sexual content without verifying the viewer was of legal age, which meant any visitor to a porn website (minor or adult) would have to disclose his or her identity. Pornhub’s legal challenge was rebuffed by the U.S. Court of Appeals 5th Circuit on March 7th, in a ruling which partially overturned the injunction against HB1181.
A week later, Pornhub disabled website access across all of Texas. The collapse of order and societal norms began immediately as Houston’s local NBC affiliate included this double entendre in their headline:
History tells us something touched Don McLean deep inside, the day the music died. On the day that porn died in the Lone Star State, there would be no touching deep inside.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
(“Funeral Blues,” W.H. Auden)
Porn’s Deep Tradition
The Court of Appeals may have ruled HB1181 didn’t violate the First Amendment. Still, there’s no denying that pornography is one of the oldest forms of expression. According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word is a derivative of the Greek term pornographos, or “writing about prostitutes.” 1
Etymonline.com also quotes Charles Anthon writing about how kinky the Romans got with pornography.
Pornography, or obscene painting, which in the time of the Romans was practiced with the grossest license, prevailed especially at no particular period in Greece, but was apparently tolerated to a considerable extent at all times.
(Charles Anthon, "Dictionary of Greek and Roman Antiquities”)
While details are scarce, the most popular porn in ancient Rome at that time probably included Bang Chariot, I Want To Watch My Wife With a Eunuch, Philosopher Affair, Couple Seduces Their Ancilla, Colosseum Gang Bang 5, and Colosseum Gang Bang 7.
How Hostages Are Coping
Forget Beauty and the Beast, beauties boinking beasts is the real tale as old as time. That’s why it is not surprising the now three-week standoff between Texas and Pornhub is creating so much confusion. Warren Brown writes about the new search habits among Texans at My San Antonio. 2
For these thirsty search terms, we'll look at Thursday, March 14, through Friday, March 22. That's the time frame from when Pornhub's ban went into effect through the time this story was written. Google's data may get updates over time. One of the top searches for that time period — up 3,500% — was "how to watch porn in Texas?"
Brown continues:
Other "breakout" search terms, which means they were up 5,000% or more, include: How to access Pornhub in Texas; VPN; Pornhub VPN; Pornhub access; porn websites; and top porn sites. The list goes on and on with untold numbers of Texans scrambling to find ways to stimulate their visual cortex before they stimulate other things.
Collateral Damage
Corporate media refuses to cover this hostage standoff, thereby failing to provide a voice to the voiceless. Speak Truth To Flour will not turn away from those who are suffering.
Jenn is not alone. AverageGiovanni writes on Twitter X, “Day 3,084 no Pornhub in Texas. I’ve officially lost track of how many days it’s been.” The Crimean War had Florence Nightingale; this Texas standoff has CandidlyCandi, who reached out to hostages by tweeting, “They banned pornhub in Texas time to join my OF.” The most poignant analysis came from Murda2savage, when he opined, “Pornhub really got clipped in Texas…dat shit so ass.”
Yes, Murda2savage. So ass is dat shit, so ass indeed.
Texas sports teams are also affected by the lack of access to Pornhub. The Houston Astros, who played in 4 of the last 7 World Series, have started this season with 1 win and 5 losses. On March 14th, the University of Houston men’s basketball team had a record of 30-3. After Pornhub turned off the lights, they went 3-2, including a season ending, upset loss to underdog Duke in the NCAA tournament.
Oh Good, Gen Z Wants To Weigh In
As with any hostage standoff, there’s always a concern that captives will begin to identify with their captors, known as Stockholm Syndrome. It’s already happening in Houston’s Third Ward, home to the aforementioned University of Houston.
The school newspaper is called “The Daily Cougar” (one guess at their favorite porn genre). They interviewed students regarding the loss of Pornhub. 3
Nowadays, I feel like we’re making women wear skimpy outfits in porn and it’s becoming a more common thing, and I don’t feel like it should be. So I feel like what’s going on right now is pretty good.
(Hudson Shaw, Strategic Communication Senior)
How now, brown cow? What the hell is this gibberish he speaks? Hudson Shaw sounded like the name of a badass lead character on some CSI television show, but this guy has singlehandedly removed any coolness that could be associated with it. Beyond that, his complaint is that porn is making women wear skimpy outfits? Out of every questionable, degrading or downright disturbing act possible in porn, it’s the skimpy outfits that he’s most worried about? Has Hudson Shaw ever actually watched porn?
I feel like in a way it is good that they removed it because women can be very sexualized when it comes to porn, especially from the male gaze. But I think this also allows people to go to other sources, which might not be the best.
(Jasmin Arredondo, Strategic Communication Senior)
We’ve entered the “male gaze” stage of this hostage standoff. Forget sending in pizza or any other hostage negotiations, just send in the SWAT team now.
It’s Getting Apocalyptic Up In Here, Up In Here
There’s a long, very long way to go before we can know the totality of pain erected by this standoff. Whether you identify Texas or Pornhub as the kidnappers, there can be no ambiguity in asserting that millions of Texans are struggling to recalibrate their lives.
Even athletes who aren’t competing right now are losing their mind. Rashee Rice is on the Kansas City Chiefs football team but played high school and college ball in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Last weekend, he allegedly crashed his vehicle on a Dallas freeway before getting out of the car and just walking away.
Other porn websites are joining in on the censorship orgy by complying with age verification requirements or following Pornhub’s lead and shutting off access. With every newly affected website and each passing day, it is only a matter of time before all roads in Texas look like this:
This ain't Texas (woo), ain't no Pornhub (hey)
So turn your VPN’s on, on, on, on
So massage your stepmom (woo) or call your maid up (hey)
Turn around, 'round, 'round, 'round, 'round (turn around)
And I'll be damned if I can't watch porn with you
(Beyonce right now, probably)
COMING SOON: A serious (well, mostly serious) piece exploring the rights implications and societal consequences of Pornhub v. Texas
(No, “coming soon” was not intended as a double entendre. The next piece covering this subject will be serious. Seriously.)
Enjoyed this content? You may also like:
https://www.mysanantonio.com/news/local/article/pornhub-alternatives-19196631.php
“Porn sites are banning Texas. Here's what Texans are Googling in response,” Warren Brown, March 23, 2024.
https://thedailycougar.com/2024/04/01/a-look-at-the-battle-between-texas-and-adult-content-sites/
“A look at the battle between Texas and adult content sites,” Gauraangi Gupta, April 01, 2024.