Pickleball & The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations
Americans must return to tennis before it is too late.
It began with pointing muskets at the British Empire & committing treason with the stroke of quill on parchment, asserting that rights do not come from government; we are intrinsically free. Americans went west with whatever could be packed in wagons, manifesting their destiny with each mountain climbed and river crossed. They laid train tracks in the ground, raised buildings high into the sky, and fought two world wars. How do today’s Americans carry on that legacy?
They play pickleball because tennis is too hard.
Pickleball
Like gonorrhea, pickleball’s arrival may have gone unnoticed if you weren’t paying close attention but the impact can’t be ignored. Sports & Industry Fitness Association’s participation report indicates that “For the third year in a row, pickleball is the fastest-growing sport in America, having grown 51.8% from 2022 to 2023, and an incredible 223.5% in three years.” 1
While many claim it is a great option for older people, pickleheads.com (yes, really) reveals that the dominant age bracket is players aged 18-34. 2 There’s even a Professional Pickleball Association (PPA Tour).
As for how embarrassing this trendy sport is, sometimes a picture is all that’s required.
Pickleball’s court is much smaller in length (44 feet compared to 78 feet in tennis) and width (20 feet compared to 27 feet courts for singles tennis competition and 36 feet for doubles playing courts). Not all of the tiny court is even playable; the first 7 feet on each side of the net, called the “kitchen,” is a zone where players cannot enter to volley the ball (which is similar to a whiffle ball). Instead of rackets, players use paddles, many of which are designed with cutesy artwork and/or bright colors. Think “Barbie BDSM Playhouse,” except about double the width of a normal spanking sex toy.
No Adult Left Behind
In 2000, President George W. Bush delivered a speech to the NAACP regarding his “No Child Left Behind” agenda. He introduced the phrase “The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations,” before arguing: 3
Equality in our country will remain a distant dream until every child, of every background, learns so that he or she may strive and rise in this world. No child in America should be segregated by low expectations, imprisoned by illiteracy, abandoned to frustration and the darkness of self-doubt.
Allowing pickleball to continue promotes a soft bigotry of low expectations. From drive-through car washes to self-operating vacuum cleaners, our everyday tasks continue to get easier. Instead of balancing that by challenging ourselves in recreational endeavors, we only crave more accommodation. Indoor, temperature controlled wall climbing is preferred over scaling actual mountains. Calisthenics has been shelved for stretching a bit in figure flattering yoga pants. When the modern man or woman comes across two roads diverged in a wood and sees the one less traveled by, they rent an ATV.
It won’t be long before bachelor party fishing trips look like this –
Quite The Physical Pickle
Proponents of pickleball will tell you it is a great workout that minimizes the risk of injury. The latter is true because it’s much harder to injure yourself when you aren’t actually doing anything. As for the former, Kelsey Dallas (no relation to the city) writes that the health benefits may be a myth. 4
If you started playing pickleball for the health benefits, you might want to try a different exercise routine. New research from scholars in Canada shows that typical players log about half as many steps during an hour of pickleball as they would if they spent the same amount of time on a brisk walk.
Some postulate that “grey aliens” are future humans or at least representative of how our bodies will evolve when technology and creature comforts overtake our lives. What if pickleball ignites this metamorphosis? Or, at the very least, perhaps stopping pickleball is the last chance to hold the line and reverse the withering away of the human body.
It is hard not to imagine a pickleball court being ideal for small, feeble entities.
Why Does Rice Play Texas?
On September 12, 1962, President John F. Kennedy delivered a speech at Rice University regarding the goal of landing a man on the moon before 1970.
But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?
We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.
The goal was ambitious as the United States space program lacked the knowledge and technology at the time to accomplish a successful moon landing. It didn’t matter. On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong stepped foot on the moon because of Kennedy embracing the path less traveled, a heavy dose of American ingenuity, and also some Nazi scientists.
The possibility of finding ways to improve pickleball was considered while writing this piece. For example, Lego Pickleball, where Lego pieces are spread out on the court and everyone must play barefoot. That would make the game more painful and amusing but would not change the underlying problem; playing pickleball is choosing to do something because it is easy, not because it’s hard.
Vision Quest
Mathew Modine plays 18-year-old high school wrestler Louden Swain in the 1985 film, Vision Quest. Approaching his senior year, Louden is considered a heavy favorite among the competitors in his weight class to win a state championship. Instead, Louden decides that he needs to dream big and is determined to compete against Brian Shute, an undefeated wrestler and the best in any weight class within the entire state of Washington.
The only way Louden can compete against the best is by dropping two entire weight classes to qualify for the same division as Shute. Louden’s vision quest is a spiritual awakening as he learns lessons about life and competition while also hooking up with a 21-year-old along the way (Linda Fiorentino in glorious 1980’s curly hair).
Before his match with Shute, Louden visits a coworker who is taking a night off from work to watch him wrestle. It’s the first time he’s ever known him to take a night off from work, and Louden can’t understand why he would do this. His coworker delivers one of the most underrated sports movie monologues of all time.
Close the pickleball courts, tear down the nets. Fill them with sand like they did with skateparks during COVID if you must. Not everyone will survive the transition to tennis but that’s okay, those unable or unwilling can return to the bars for Geeks Who Drink trivia nights. It’s time for pickleball players to find their inner Louden Swain.
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https://speaktruthtoflour.substack.com/p/texas-pornhub-hostage-crisis-day
https://sfia.org/resources/sfias-topline-participation-report-shows-strong-positive-trends-across-multiple-sports-and-fitness-categories-2/
SFIA’s Topline Participation Report, February 27, 2024
https://www.pickleheads.com/blog/pickleball-statistics
”Pickleball statistics - the numbers behind America's fastest growing sport in 2024,” Brandon Mackie, March, 13, 2024.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/onpolitics/elections/bushtext071000.htm
”Text: George W. Bush's Speech to the NAACP.”
https://www.deseret.com/sports/2022/11/9/23450173/is-pickleball-good-exercise/
“Pickleball probably isn’t as good of a workout as you think,” Kelsey Dallas, Deseret News, November 9, 2022.
As a tennis player, I insert my objections that these pickles are taking over my perfectly sized courts. Go play over in the basketball area!
As someone who just started pickleball I think that there can be injuries. I was overhead spiking it and trying not to break old people's faces.