In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, high school student Charlie asks his teacher, Mr. Anderson, “Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” Mr. Anderson replies, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Dating the wrong people definitely describes the 2024 United States Presidential campaign. Has there been an election featuring two candidates disliked by so many within their own political parties?
There are significant policy differences between the parties and real ideological dissension within each party. The latter never got a chance to be hashed out in what became nominal primaries. The former is playing second fiddle to the personal baggage of the candidates in the general election. In both cases, much of the blame can be assigned to the hubris of Biden, Trump, and their insistence on running again.
If you believe in the many-worlds theory, there’s another Earth out there currently enjoying a campaign battle between Governor Gavin Newsom of California and Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida. They aren’t perfect but a campaign between them would be substantially more grounded in issues. Instead, we have two caricatures squaring off in a reality TV show masquerading as an election.
During the first Rocky movie, the match ends between Apollo Creed and Rocky Balbo without either boxer being knocked out. Creed leans over Rocky and says, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch, ain’t gonna be no rematch.” Balboa replies, “They’ll want one.”
That’s the story of Biden v. Trump II, the first presidential election rematch since 1956, albeit with an important difference from Rocky: nobody wanted this one. We mock the deficiencies of each man in the race and complain about how uninspired the process is. Yet the resistance stops there, and the beat goes on for most Americans, tacitly consenting to what many agree is an underwhelming choice. Like love, maybe we do accept the candidates we think we deserve.
Rocky IV
Then a funny thing happened in 2024’s election cycle. Debate night, June 27, 2024; the night the Rocky II campaign sequel we were watching skipped straight to Rocky IV.
Rocky IV finds Balboa in Creed’s corner, watching his now friend getting beaten to a pulp in the ring by Ivan Drago, a Russian boxer. Creed’s trainer, a longtime supporter, pleads with Balboa to stop the match. Balboa hesitates, and before he can “throw the damn towel,” Apollo dies in the ring.
June 27th finds CNN in Biden’s corner, watching their old friend getting beaten to a pulp on the stage by Donald Trump, a Russian asset. Biden’s corporate media members, longtime supporters, plead with CNN to stop the split screen. CNN hesitates, and before they can change the damn angle, Biden dies on stage.
The last moments of Apollo Creed and Joseph Biden:
Rebranding The Election
The insider elites are turning on their President and no amount of George Stephanopoulos sit-downs or Morning Joe phone-ins will change that. If you want to know how it’s going, you need only check in on Karine Jean-Pierre at today’s White House press briefing, where she was peppered with questions about neurologists and a Parkinson’s specialist visiting Biden.
President Biden bowing out would be a highly disruptive and unexpected plot twist in an otherwise tightly controlled political landscape. So, why stop there?
Together we may not be able to make America great again, but we sure as hell can find a way to make Newsom v. DeSantis happen. Getting there is easy if you’re willing to be, uh, creative.
Let’s Ocean’s 11 This Thing
The Plan
Step 1: Joe’s One True Love
There are few things harder in the world than convincing your grandfather to do something. You can’t go through their stubbornness; you have to go around their stubbornness. The Powers That Be must convince him that a) he’s not giving up the presidency, he’s trading it in for a higher calling and b) it’s not about his health and he doesn’t have to say that he’s giving up because of any mental decline.
During a Presidential Address viewed by 105 million people (if we’re going to dream big then we might as well go for MASH “series finale” type ratings), President Biden announces he will not seek reelection because the next four years are better spent focusing on the person most important in his life, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Joe thanks the American people and says he’s moving to Ukraine in January to begin his new position as special advisor to the Ukrainian President.
Step 2: Casting Kamala
A party largely defined by identify politics can’t skip over the first black female by nominating Newsom as her new boss. Some have suggested that Sonia Sotomayor could leave the Supreme Court, opening an opportunity for Vice President Harris to become a Justice and finally redeem herself after failing the bar exam on the first attempt.
There’s a different role out there that would be perfect for a woman that’s put the VEEP in V.P.
Harris resigns as Vice President to join the cast of The Office reboot, where she can continue to deliver the kind of speeches and answers she is famous for. Kamala Harris, the Michael Scott to a new generation.
Step 3: Wrestling Donald out of the race.
This should be the easiest part. After all, Trump repeatedly said during the June debate that he was never going to run again, and the only reason he was running was because of how bad Biden was doing as President. He’d much rather be watching TV at Mar-a-Lago or relaxing on one of his islands, he assures the audience during his rallies. Trump said this, and as we know he never exaggerates. Totally sincere, that one.
If Biden is gone, all of the reason for Trump to run again should go with him. In a just world, that would be enough to confine Donald to the rhetorical corner he’s painted himself into. For further persuasion, Donald Trump Jr. can show him the polls suggesting there’s a good chance he could lose to Newsom (a hit to his ego) and remind him that he won’t be able to pardon himself over any lingering legal issues if he doesn’t win (a hit to his pocketbook).
If that isn’t enough, there’s speculation Vince McMahon may be looking to form a new wrestling company after being ousted from the WWE over sexual misconduct accusations. Trump and McMahon do have a shared history that goes beyond their mutual affinity for sex scandals.
It’s our last hope to not have four additional years of Trump mangling the English language during speeches and interviews. Trump leaves the race to form a women’s wrestling company with McMahon, called the ALW (All Lingerie Wrestling). Written into the wrestler employee contracts is a stipulation that if they sue for sexual harassment, they can only sue one owner at a time.
Step 4: Corpo-Nikki
There’s one stumbling block, someone who could bring down this house of cards. No surprise that it is Nikki Haley, former Governor of South Carolina, former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and current buzzkill for just about everything in life.
Trump selfishly deciding to run again interfered with an important debate over the future of conservatism between the Haley wing and Desantis wing of the party. If Trump drops out, she’s sure to make her case to replace him on the ticket.
In addition to being a Governor and Ambassador, Haley is also known for sitting on the board of Boeing and her love of the military industrial complex. “I wish you well in your future career on the boards of Lockheed and Raytheon,” Vivek Ramaswamy told Haley during one of the debates.
What do you get for the girl who never met a war she didn’t like but who also never met a company she didn’t want to be bought and paid for by?
During season 3 of the TV show Community, Subway wants to open a shop at the community college but is blocked by the school’s charter, which requires on-campus businesses be majority owned by students. Their workaround is Rick, a man they contract to enroll at the school, legally change his name to Subway, and become the first ever corpo-humanoid.
You know where this is going. Nikki Haley becomes the second ever corpo-humanoid, named Ms. Raytheon (she’d have to divorce her husband, obviously). Nikki, er, Ms. Raytheon fulfills her deepest fantasy by becoming a human/military contractor hybrid.
Just as the Rocky universe eventually had to rebrand with new characters because the original actors got too old, so too must our elections. DeSantis v. Newsom. Both under the age of 60, both with their health and full heads of hair. Both with hot wives and 50% of those haven’t even had sex with Harvey Weinstein.
Americans can choose between the stark contrast of Newsome and DeSantis. California v. Florida, which state do you want your country to look like?